I should be angry and resentful. I should be full of hate and hurt. I should be unhappy and depressed.

Yeah. I should be…Sorry!!

When you sit down and think about it, about what might happen down the line- it sucks.. Of course it does. If you sit and cry about it, but then again that isn’t going to help the situation is it? What would you expect to gain from it?

In 1999 I went to see my GP about my right knee. I had a pretty bad accident two years before , in which I basically ripped my kneecap open. They stiched it up , gave me some strong pain killers and sent me home.

I healed up and went back to Uni and work. The summer after (1998) I went to the USA and spent three months travelling by Greyhound ,from coast to coast , going to the gigs of my then favourite band.

1999 ,I go to my GP because I kept falling over. Thinking it was my knee playing up again I went for a moan and a bit of sympathy. He sent me to a specialist, who sent me to a Neurologist.

Who gave me an MRI, and then he told me I had Multiple Sclerosis.

MY reaction? ” Oh right? What does that mean?”

It happened in the space of a month, I went from a wonky knee cap to something different. My mother started crying when she found out, my eldest sister told my then boyfriend to leave me and let me get on with my life.

He went and married me instead. We moved in to rented digs, I worked two jobs. During the day I was a boring accountant who did company tax forms and by night I was a taxi dispatcher. He was unemployed at the time because no matter how many interviews he attended he never got the job because he was over qualified apparently. I guess having a PhD is a little  bit overkill when it comes to being a car salesman eh? Seriously.

He got a job as an IT Specialist thingy and worked his way up the ranks. I then applied for my dream job and it was mine except the guy who held the post originally decided to reapply at the last minute. He got it again, purely because of his criminal record. He’d done time and the employers being the kind hearted souls that they were decided I could get a job anywhere and his options were somewhat limited.

Spiraling depression ensued and after 4 months of hiding under the bed covers, I decided that if they would not employ me in my dream job ,I would employ me.

A start-up grant later , and I was in business. I was approached about a month after that by the company of ‘my dream job’ . The poor donetimeandnotemployable bloke, had left and gone into sales.

Boo-Hoo.

Not.

2004; The husband manage to convince me to breed.We bred.

2005; DS1 was born.

December 2006 ; I started to feel even more incredibly guilty aboout ‘neglecting’ my child by working during the day. I started the whole selling up process. Sold up.

2007; Another little man joined the party.

2009; My MS really hit the shits. I guess it was playing catchup after many, many years of being ignored and me ‘getting on with it’

Late 2009 ; The Neurologist wanted me to start DMD’s. I scream,shouted ,ranted and raved. I relented.

2010 ; I start DMD’s Rebif 44 and LDN.

Today. I still do not think of myself as being disabled. I know deep down that I am, I know and compensate for my physical weaknesses , but inside I’m not. My body may not work as well as a lot of people but I still have a brain and a very strong assed will.

Well then, Day Two of Rebif, my second injection. There was a student nurse present to see the RebiSmart in action.

She was as impressed as I was! It really is all singing, all dancing!

Anyway I injected myself on the left side of my tummy. I felt it even less than the leg site which was nothing. I had to double check in order to convince myself that  it had worked!

It did, no mark at all today (go me!) and no reactions afterwards. I was waiting from about 3.00 pm for it to kick in, but nothing at all! Totally bizarre when you compare it to Tuesdays’ events but I guess that was my first time with any type of MS DMDs’.

So I didn’t suddenly self combust or anything as dramatic. I am still unsure as to whether or not this will actually work for me, I guess only time will tell on that.

I went with the RebiSmart because of ease of use. It is basically left up to the patient on what DMD they choose, which I found very strange. I have a ‘thing’ about needles ie they scare me shit-less so it was the obvious choice in that I do not actually have to handle them at all, you stick a little cap containing a needle tip into the device and it does it’s thing , the drug itself it premixed so again you place the little vial into the machine and there it goes. It is fully calibrated to inject  you with the correct dosage, okay so the MS nurse did that bit!

Oh yeah-I have a new MS Nurse! I forgot to mention that on Tuesday but yeah old misery guts is gone! and in her place I have a wonderful friendly non condescending lady named Carole. I was amazed- I wonder if the old gas bag read TC and figured out it was her? Probably not but who cares- SHE’S GONE!

So I went to the appointment this morning. We ran through the pros and cons ie what I’ve spent the last six weeks researching. Not to be a big head but yeah I was aware of all the ins and outs regarding actually starting the Rebif, by law she had to do it,  so it was fine. We got to the actual injecting part.

I would like to make a sublime comment on how a cataclysmic cosmic event happened, the earth stood still etc but I can’t.

It didn’t. The moment passed in a blink of an eye, and to be honest I had to ask her ” Is that it?”

I didn’t feel the needle inject.. I know after weeks of agonising and  debates that concluded in total inner turmoil- well you know the script right?

It was over. It barely left a mark on my skin-a small red entry point that faded within the hour.

I felt fine until about 2 pm, I was finishing making the dinner, when I felt myself ‘crumble’. To be perfectly honest that happens every day, when I’m done making dinner. Standing up for more than a few minutes at a time makes my spine cease to exist. After the troops have had their troughs filled , I normally bail anyway and go lie down for about an hour in order to recover.

Except after an hour I did not recover. I have never had the flu proper, plenty of colds yes, but no flu. I have taken two extra strength paracetamol , a naproxen and a full baclofen within the past hour and I still feel like shit!

I need some LDN! gawds be – I think it’s a seriously early night for me.

Here’s hoping tomorrow will be better.

So tomorrow morning I start Rebif.

This time I’m actually okay about it. The letter arrived out of the blue and sort of caught me off guard a little. I was expecting it to be the end of the month, and with that already wedged in my brain I was fine. I knew it was happening, I was not that delighted with the prospect but I had worked myself up to it. When the official letter arrived it was sort of ” oh fuck” and that knocked me sideways, seeing it in black and white I suppose.

Regardless, it is on for tomorrow morning. It is going to happen. It has to happen , I have to go through with it. I’m still trying to convince myself it is the right thing to do.

I want to start on the LDN like right now! I can’t though I was advised to wait, so even as impatient as I am I will wait.

I’m on Book three of the BlackDagger Brotherhood, and I’m enjoying more the second time around. I think in my eagerness to complete the books I may have rushed it. This time I am taking a little more time in reading and have been picking up a little more subtilties, possible because I already know the overall plot? Regardless it is a good read!

I had a dispute last week regarding one of my paid posts. Long and short of it ; they reviewed, apologised and gave me an automatic payout- $75 bucks in my PP account. It has not been spent yet, I will probably wait for everything else to play catch up.

Sweet.

I have been taking it a bit easier of late. The warmer weather has been hitting our shores and well, it has been affecting me  lot. I don’t think it is directly MS related , it’s more of a ‘just me thing’ regardless, heat and myself do not agree.

I feel a lot more sluggish and achy all over. We had the fans blasting in the bedroom so from about 5pm we all decamped into the master b-room, it is situated at the back of the property and therefore is cooler in general so it helped. The boys were all shirtless and I was wearing a very fetching muscle Tee belonging to the DH , but I was still boiling!

Tonight is gonna be another sticky , humid night no doubt. Time to start sleeping in the nutty again!

Work..Um I have decided to start going part time for two reasons. Firstly, for my own benefit. I have noticed a slight change in my own abilities. I have also had ‘fatigue issues’ but it is starting to hit me a little harder. I am on D3 and B12 tablets but it is 50/50 on any given day on whether they actually lift me.

And secondly, the advertisers aren’t paying big bucks for the opps. Last month I made just under 50% of what I had made the month before. It is still a decent monthly wage with no extra expenses ie travel, lunches etc, but it is still a big enough drop. My monthly craft budget has been hit to accommodate the change but it was down a lot anyways because I am not crafting that much so why buy? My shopping habits have changed drastically anyhow, so it isn’t such a big deal.

I haven’t made any concrete plans, and whether this is just a ‘summer thing’ or not remains to be seen.

The Ashes to Ashes finale is on at 10pm so I am gonna jump off to go and make some edibles for the DH. I only came online at 7.55pm so a short hop and I’m done for tonight.

Monday the 24th of May at 11 am… The phone rang at exactly 9.06am , Daddy and the boy has already left for school,so it was just myself and the small yoke.

She was her usual saccharin sweet self and by the power of the gods does that woman make my skin crawl!

I can’t stand her, I really can’t she is the most horrible two faced woman on the planet. I mean no one, no one is that nice and sweet in a utterly soul destroying manner.

I would not spare a thought for her if she were to burn alive in a horrendous car crash. Nasty,Nasty cow.

I wonder if I could be reassigned another MS nurse or are they all hideous? Probably but never matter. Thankfully I will only have to set eyes on her wretched face for two days. Then I am allowed to inject myself-aren’t I all growned up!!

If the NHS insist on giving me ten grand worth of drugs ,free, on yearly basis who am I to argue? I have tried to refuse it but no-one wants my opinion so being the good little disabled girl that I am, I will sit quietly and allow the well meaning able-bodied people to seal my fate.

Once they give me the drugs they cannot take me off them unless my condition deteriorates to the point where DMD’s no longer work for me. LDN costs £180 a year but it can’t be prescribed for use in treating MS because there are no conclusive clinical trials out there. Why? Money of course..

The powers the be ie the pharmaceuticals who hold the ring when it comes to the CRABS and they do not want any contenders in their little dominion regardless if it actually helps the patient a damn sight better than their offering.

Time to switch the ringer back on the phone.. I have had to knocked off since last Tuesday mainly because of that damn MS Nurse.She has rung me about three times per day since I cancelled the appointment, She doesn’t give up does she?

I guess the ringer will go back on and I will have to deal.Somehow.

Phfft.

I am totally loving that youngster Greyson Chance? What a voice for a twelve year old-never bother with his piano skills. Totally insane. I recorded his version of ‘Paparazzi’ I’m not a Lady Gaga fan at all but his version is fantastic. He is still a child and yes, there are gaps in his vocal ability BUT he is 12 years old! That is what is so amazing about the kid. He is going places , most definitely.

Not much happening at Temporal HQ,the two boys are at home and being the wild parent type that I am I (and DH) actually keep them amused as a family rather than kick them to  the street or ignore them. People have kids then forget that they are children who need interaction and fun time etc. We don’t just knock on the telly and leave them to it either.

Maybe because our boys are normal children without learning or behavioural problems it is easier? I should have deferred the elder boy from starting Year One anyways as he doesn’t learn anything! I taught him to read and write ,he can count to 500 before he gets bored (both in singles and multiples) and he doesn’t turned five until June. The three year old can write his first name and also has excellent number/letter recognition, so he is well on his way.

Oh yeah DS 1 actually won pupil of the week again last week! He came in the front door and the red badge that is given to that student was smack in the middle of his shirt! I did sort of cringe when I saw it, because he has already been awarded it four times! I suppose it could be worse right?

Not quite content with dropping £135 on SU products last week, She treated herself to some new Basic Grey paper-pads on Thursday. I was being good and aside from the SU goodies (my weakness!) I have been really,really super good!

Until just now.. The Greeting Farm Roll Call kit dropped in my basket whilst I was innocently browsing over at Quixotic paperie. Bad Girl!!

It is Saturday and all three boys are at the Grandparents until around 8pm, it is a nice break from being a cook on constant call but it does get a little annoying and lonesome after the first two hours..

Lover Mine has been read and yet again J.R Ward delivers the goods! To be really sad and not so accidentally tragic I restarted Dark Lover yesterday. I rarely, if ever, re-read any of the books that I buy so it really is a first for me. Yes, it has been less than a month since I discovered the Brotherhood but there you have it!

I am logging off to go play with my SU toys, have a poo and get some Doctor Pepper and not necessarily in that order.

I’ll rant like a maniac rather than ramble aimlessly next time because I know you prefer that.

I didn’t top myself,sorry to disappoint y’all and such but there you go. I am sorry for getting your hopes up and all that stuff!

I blew the Rebif appointment off anyway. I told the answer machine that I had a cold coming on and I didn’t feel up to it, both of which are entirely true,one slightly more than the other as it transpires but there you have it.

Work has been progressing nicely with a steady stream of opportunities trickling into my mailbox, unfortunately none of the big guns but nothing smaller than $150 a pop which is fine. It all adds up at the end of the day.Working as a freelance is unpredictable but I have never pulled less than $300 a month and that was in the early days( with less domains) which was the main reason for me to pull more domains into the fold. The more ‘popular’ the site, the more traffic you get, the more the advertisers see , the more opps you get. It is a very simple process. Although to juggle that you do need multiple, well seen sites to play with it.

The homeless people of the WWW need not apply, that meaning blog-spot , non domain type of stuff. Nasty that blog spot. I have no real clue as to why it is so popular. Any of the ‘free space’ out there is nasty with limited space and capabilities, domains are relatively cheap from $3.99 onwards depending on the extension and space is dirt cheap to buy. I have 12 domains all residing on one account and I pay £30 a year ,for all the unlimited features and that is from a reliable UK host.

FTP is simple and easy to use. Actually so is HTML ,php etc.

Even a UKS user could use it. Then again probably not.